so i am a little concerned about a couple of things:

1] my christmas lights aren't up yet - i was promised by saturday. because we reside in "the zone" and it is still t-shirt weather on december 4th, i have a hard time getting into the holiday/winter festivities. just in the last year i've decided it might be nice to live somewhere with seasons, but i don't want to shovel snow or be inhibited by the weather - picky, picky, picky. happy holidays!

2] my boy is getting skinnier. i love grey's chub as much as i love his smile, crawling into bed or eating shaved ice. in the past 5 months [he is 8 months, but was a skinny shrimp for the 1st 3 months of his life] he has been referred to as lardy, sumo, king size, etc. even though i shovel a generous bowl of rice cereal and an entire stage 2 tub of food into his mouth 3 times a day, he's been burning some calories, and he's working it out. i am sad about it. really sad about it.

3] i never really get too personal on my blog because i think "who really wants to know or who reads this anyway." and to be truthful, i know i am not a good communicator [never have been, probably never will be, but i am working on it] and i always wonder whether people understand my real intentions. i don't want to be mistaken or come across as something i am not. you following me? 

then i was briefly talking to my good friend tarah about my internal blogging struggles and she had some words of wisdom. she said, "don't worry, blog for yourself. it's a way of journaling." she's a smarty pants, that girl. duh! i love going back and reading old entries. you can even have your blog made into a book - i just might consider it. genius, really.

so i have decided that this is what my blog is, my journal. and that is my new approach. i won't care who reads it. i won't care if there are 0 comments. i won't care if you don't read it. i would love it if you do. i love getting feedback. and i love you. so that is that! and now...

journal entry #1:

do you ever get in to a funk? something isn't right, but you just can't put your finger on it. so this has been me for the last month 1/2 to 2 months. i have been out of sorts, not really feeling like myself - lots of frustration, confusion, guilt and loneliness. moms are great for venting so that is what i did monday night. she's a great listener. on my way home, avril lavigne's "nobody's home [live]" shuffled on [disclaimer: i went through a very fun punk rock stage around my freshman  year of college - wasn't too hardcore or serious]. so, i lost it. i cry quarterly. about every 4 months i need a good cry. i like to think of myself as pretty even keeled, but i am a girl! these are the thoughts that were running through my cluttered head:

i am so overwhelmed with work and finances. i am not spending enough quality time with grey - he's been neglected and i can't take it back. i have such a supportive husband who works so hard. my heart aches for those who are losing their jobs or their homes - how could this be happening to such great people? there is so much uncertainty in the world and i feel helpless about it. i feel like someone or something else is controlling my life.  my house is a disaster - it is always a disaster. i am not a good homemaker. grey is so good, why am i having issues? i need a break from staring at the computer editing pictures. i am so grateful for my talents. i need to be more grateful. i have an amazing family. i need to be a better missionary. i need to be a better friend, but i am bad at it. you get the picture ... 

then, a thought popped into my head. it was from a visiting teaching message that i gave a couple of months ago [lesson learned: visiting teaching serves many purposes. like saving a girl from a major break down]. the heart of the lesson was, "you can't love others and others can't love you unless you love yourself first." hmmm... it all made sense right then. that is the problem, and that is what i am working on. no, i am not going to wake up in the morning, look at myself in the mirror and say "you've got it. you've really got it going on." but, as i was talking to jeff about it, he told me something his mission president told him as he was leaving taiwan. he said, "if there is every any unhappiness in your life, it is because something is out of balance."  makes perfect sense. obvious sense. 

and to go further, i was at institute yesterday morning and the instructor [who is the world's best teacher] was talking about the atonement [i have always struggled with how to "fully" use the atonement in my life. i know i do things i shouldn't or don't do things i should, but i am not robbing banks or taking lives so i have felt a little unsure]. she talked about how jesus suffered for our sins and how he felt every sadness, insecurity and heartache that we feel. her point was, if we use the atonement, we don't need to feel these things [granted it's human nature]. we don't need to beat ourselves up, we don't need to dwell on sadness because he's already been there, done that,  and he can take it all away. i knew this, but i just needed to be reminded. it was exactly what i needed to hear at the exact right time. 

so that was my epiphany and i decided to share it with you. i am focusing on finding balance emotionally, spiritually, physically, in my work, family and as a mom. i will find new ways to be grateful for who i am and what i have been given. as i do this, i will be able to influence other people's lives for the better and find more happiness on a day to day basis.

can anyone else relate? or you think i am crazy, don't you? it's okay. good day!

[if you read this whole thing, you deserve a cookie]